I’ve been feeling oddly disconnected lately. In late July, my sister and brother and I, and their families, got together in Michigan for a long weekend. The family is flung, literally around the globe. It was family fellowship mostly prompted by finally being able to schedule nearly everyone in the direct family to meet in Michigan at the cemetery in Cadillac where Mom and Dad have been interred.
My sweet sister and her husband are still in Michigan. And so are a special aunt and uncle and a few cousins. But something is feels different to me. I have never really considered that I had a “home.” I’ve always felt somewhat rootless after the family moved several times while I was young. I have places where I’ve spent some time that I consider to be “neighborhoods” but nothing like a home. Lately I kind of feel like I’ve been set adrift. Drifting in a kind of way that I’ve always wanted to anyway.
Nevertheless, I’ve been struggling a little bit. I’ve not had much motivation. Mollynogger and I have been voluntarily stuck in Washington, North Carolina. Originally, I needed a secure place to leave the boat while I flew home to Michigan. I found a dock in a really cool town through a connection with friends. There are great people here and I’ve been trying to use my time to also catch up on some boat projects. But this is not sailing life that I wanted. I have spent more time in a marina the last couple months right here in Washington then I have ever spent in my life. Molly and I were meant to be moving, exploring, wandering … just messing about.
I will need to spend a week or two in a boatyard to refresh Molly’s bottom paint and work on a thruhull or two. I will also try to get some new anchor chain as well. Then I’ll be free.
I suppose some of this is also Imposter Syndrome. I am about to begin the life that I have always wanted, on a boat like I have always needed. Right at that moment, on that cusp, is when the self-sabotage can begin. A certain kind of fear kicks in, the fear of actually being responsible for doing what I said all along that I would do. I’m fighting that right now. It will work out fine in the end, but August has been a heavy month. In addition to having just seen their headstone, Mom and Dad’s anniversary was August 4th and Mom’s birthday is the 31st. It’s a weird place to be.
It’s also really fucking weird to be 62 years old and getting Social Security checks. As I’ve said I am doing what I have always wanted to do but how the hell did it take this long to get here. Nevertheless I am blessed (in an agnostic atheistic kind of way). I am self-contained, self-actualized, and just happy to be here. I just need to sort this stuff out and get on with it.
